The Slump: Are You There, Sex? It's Me, Vanessa...

Wow. Okay, so last Saturday was a complete bust. Only total dogs approached me, and not even my lowered standards could stomach the thought of taking one of them to bed. I swear to God, this No Sex Slump is driving me MAD.

If I don't get laid soon, I'm going to start climbing the walls. It's bad enough that I was desperate enough to go to an extra service massage parlor, (yes, I have seen the error of my ways-- more on that later), but now I can't even attract a decent looking guy at all my usual clubbing haunts! UGH.

If you can believe it, I was actually desperate enough to ring that massage boy up. I asked if he wanted to have some drinks, and he readily agreed. I mean, I wasn't expecting witty conversation or anything, but the minute we met up, he was all about jumping into bed. Of course, being desperate, I agreed to take him back to my place.

As we undressed, he casually said that he charged double what the parlor did for house calls (because I was getting full-on sex rather than just a happy ending). OMG. Was he serious?? I had him out of my condo faster than he could zip up his pants. I may have been curious enough to try paying for it ONCE, but I'm not about to do it on a regular basis. PLEASE. Has he seen my hot piece of ass? Men should pay ME to have sex with THEM!!

Anyway, I'm through with that stuff from now on. It's casual hookups and/or blind dates (if I'm desperate, Charlize, hook me up with someone, please!) for me... at least I know where I stand with those. :P

No Man's Land... Party Pickings

 
Okay, so admittedly I've been horrible and toxic lately. What do you expect when you lay your heart out there for the first time in years and then someone stomps all over it?

I was trying to pick myself up out of my funk last Friday by throwing a small bash with Pam and Charlize, and it was completely disastrous! I must have someone Up There totally hating on me, as I ended up getting my rug puked on and dentures thrown in my face. Fuck!

I told the girls to go ahead and bring their friends to my party, and Charlize brought her buddy-buddy Jake who in turn brought an under-aged date! Wow, talk about a throwback to college days... and not in a good way! Twinkle (and yes, that was her real name) couldn't hold her liquor and ended up running to the bathroom before the end of the night, and of course she missed the toilet and puked all over my gorgeous purple rugs.

Pam was solicitous, Charlize was embarrassed, BUT I WAS STEAMING MAD!! I threw that stupid girl AND Jake out of my apartment faster than you can count to three, but of course she left me a parting gift-- her dentures flew off and smacked me in the face. Fucking fantastic.

Aside from the fact that dentures at 17 is just plain sad, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the most pathetic person there: ME. I threw the party to get over Edward, but I ended up with no date, no hook-up, and a filthy, puke-filled bathroom.

Is this an off month for me, or what??